Available immediately: How a (probably) scammer tried to (probably) dupe me into a condo he (probably) didn’t own

Editor’s note: The name of the ‘landlord’ in this story has been changed to protect the name of  what appears to be a real person. That person doesn’t appear to be involved in this story. The location and address of the property were also intentionally held out of the story.

Let’s get this out of the way: Apartment searches are the worst.

You can’t afford what you feel you deserve. What you can afford, you can’t fit into. Nobody’s insurance will cover your timid dog because of her breed, size or face (DOG BIGOTRY IS REAL, PEOPLE).

But in today’s apartment market, where emails and texts are increasingly the norm, it gets even worse. You have to deal with people like “Jonathan Miller.”

*****************************

Jonathan Miller has a problem. He’s got a beautiful condo – which he paid about $200,000 for in 2005 – but he can’t keep it.

A longtime resident of the area, he and his family have been reassigned to work a new post in Georgia. They have to leave quickly. But they’ll be back.

They need someone “clean & responsible [sic]” to watch over their “lovely home.” And writing such phrases, at least outside of a newsroom or publishing house, is no crime at all.

I’m the perfect tenant for Jonathan. I’m clean, I’m organized, I’ve got a steady job. And, I’m semi-desperately searching for a place to live.

The condo seemed too good to be true. It was a three-bed, two-bath behemoth in a clean neighborhood literally across the street from where I’m staying now. The commute into the city wouldn’t be too long. They’d take my dog! I could afford it, and it was open immediately. I was all over that housing post. Email sent.

He returned my email around 2 a.m., a red flag but an explainable one. His email was unorthodox, to say the least.

He ran down his story – moving to Georgia, need a renter, etc. Rent, he said, would include cable, an equipped kitchen, heat, water and electric. Wow.

But what he did next was the first sign of trouble.

Copied and pasted into the lower body of the email was a “RENTAL APPLICATION FORM [sic].” It asked some standard questions – name, reason for leaving present dwelling – but too many over-personal ones.

“Do you drink.” “How much do you have at hand right now if you are asked to secure the property today.” He also told me I could “drive by the house at your earliest convenience” and get back to him.

It all seemed to weird, so I clicked the original ad where I found the condo. It had been flagged for removal. I didn’t feel good about that.

When I got to work, I started researching. 

I accessed county records to see if this person actually owned what they said they owned. I found an address within one or two doors of the address listed. It was in Jonathan’s name, co-owned with Pam Miller, likely his wife.

It’s weird that the address doesn’t quite match up, I thought. But I don’t totally get condos, so maybe I’m missing something. Or maybe he’s renting only part of a single parcel that’s split into two.

I mostly let it slide.

I decided to call Jonathan and sort this out. I hadn’t really looked at his number until now. It was an Oregon area code, clearly a cell phone. I dialed anyway.

It rang a few times but went to a Google voicemail account. I left a message asking him to call me. I needed him to answer a few questions. I also wanted to see the inside of the place I’d maybe be living in soon.

I was still curious, so I googled the address. Third or fourth on the results page was a listing for a rental property at the same address.

The post was a carbon copy of what I responded to, but with three differences. The property wasn’t available until Sept. 1. It was renting for $600 more than the first post. And it was in the name of a realtor.

I called the realty office. I told the gentleman who’d posted the rental that I was engaging someone else about the property now, and he offered it for less. I asked if he was representing the Miller family, or if he’d ever heard of them.

No, he said. A beat. But someone did call me looking to rent this earlier. He said something about a guy in Georgia trying to lease it. I didn’t know what he was talking about.

I asked if he thought I was being scammed. He said yes.

I hung up, fairly defeated. I went back to work.

Within a few minutes, I received a text. It was Jonathan.

**********

 “Hello Adams are you really interested in renting my home?”

Bad grammar. Wrong name. Nobody’s perfect, right?

“I’d like to talk on the phone,” I texted back. “Please call.”

 

He called within 30 minutes. I answered, but the call dropped right away.

He called again a bit later. The reception was terrible. He had a thick accent; not the voice you’d expect to hear coming from Jonathan Miller.

I told him a realtor claimed he was showing the apartment. He told me I should no longer contact that company. I should just fill out the application.

I can’t let you see the place, he said. I’m in Georgia. Send me the security deposit and I’ll send you a key.

I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable paying for a place I hadn’t seen. I asked if there was anyone who could let me in.

He repeated that he was in Georgia and no one could let me in. I asked if he would send me a key. He said yes, fill out the application and I’ll send you a key. All you have to pay is the key shipping fee.

How much is it to ship the key? I asked.

$100.

This was going nowhere legal. I gave him one last chance to screw up.

You own this with your wife, right? What’s her name?

He said a name, but I couldn’t hear. I asked him to say it again.

Debbie. My wife’s name is Debbie.

I told him the house was in the name of Jonathan and Pam. He dismissed my observation. I began to ask another question.

I don’t know if the call dropped or if he hung up, but Jonathan was suddenly gone. I put my phone down. This is over.

About 20 minutes later, I got another text from the Oregon phone currently in “Georgia.”

“Hello”

OK, this is going nowhere. I texted him back.

“I’m no longer interested in the property. Please don’t contact me.”

That did the trick.

***********

I don’t know if there’s a lesson to be learned here that you didn’t already know.

Perhaps it’s, “Always look at an apartment before you talk money,” or, “Never believe a landlord who emails at 2 a.m.”

But I hope you knew that. I really do.

As for my apartment search, it’s ongoing. We’re looking at promising places almost every day, and we know we’ll find something soon. I continue to email with property owners, and almost none of them send me anything after midnight. That’s a good sign.

If you’re reading this, “Jonathan,” I’d like to say I hope you find a renter soon. But I won’t say that, because you’re probably a terrible person. You’re probably a Craigslist predator who feeds on desperate or internet-illiterate people, even if it only means you make $100.

But I guess I’ll never truly know if you were a scammer. Maybe you’re sitting in a Georgia living room right now, beer cracked open after a long day at the salt mines. Maybe you need that beer because of the bath you’re taking on your vacant, suburban Minnesota condo.

If that’s the case, well, that sucks. I was going to turn that third bedroom into a movie theatre.

The 2013 NFL Offseason Veteran Draft

Stability is a good thing, except in sports.

Save for our favorite cornerstone players doing well, we all love to see unpredictable things happen.

The Cinderella run. The blockbuster trade. The surprising draft pick. They’re all fun to watch, and they all draw ratings.

So what would happen if we found a way to make sports’ offseasons – already unpredictable as they come – even more exciting? I believe I have found a way to do so.

Behold the NFL Offseason Veteran Draft (better name in the works). Held annually between the final down of the Super Bowl and the beginning of free agency, the Draft is essentially a mashup of free agency and the trade deadline, with none of the required patience.

Here’s what we’re looking at:

Every team in the league gets one pick, ordered from worst record to best, to select an active player from somewhere else in the league. But that doesn’t mean the Chiefs can just steal Adrian Peterson (or whoever they’d actually be interested in).

Each team gets to protect their interests by tagging 10 men on their roster. Those players cannot be touched by anyone.

Teams cannot trade up or down in the draft. All a team can do is select one unprotected player, all during one three-hour TV event (no Chris Berman). The player you take joins your team under the same contract as his previous team. Oh, and each team can only lose one player.

So, who likes this idea? Here’s what I’d expect:

·         Football nerds. We get another excuse to watch three hours of “football” in March.

·         TV executives. ESPN stands to make a ton of money.

·         Fans. Because this is exciting.

·         Bad teams. Think about it – the bottom 80 percent of every other teams’ rosters totally open? Potential jackpot.

And who doesn’t like it? Also pretty easy to guess:

·         Good-not-great players. If I’m a guy like Chris Canty, I may be in a different zip code every year. That’s not all that exciting a prospect.

·         Old but celebrated players. Guys like Ed Reed and Troy Polamalu, because of age, simply may not be priorities to their teams. That means possibly being passed up for protection by younger, cheaper members of the roster.

·         Injury-prone and recovering players. A team, given 10 chances to protect players, may not take many flyers on guys coming off torn ACLs – unless it’s RGIII.

·         Owners and their accountants. Because it’s so much harder to lock in long-term books.

·         Purists. Blah, blah, something about the integrity of the game.

·         Most of all, good and deep teams. You only have 10 protections, meaning you’re probably going to lose a good player on his way up. Never a great situation.

Before we start, a couple of disclaimers: First, I realize that this is in no way realistic. This is the product of my own imagination and should be treated as such. Also, if you feel a team’s interests are totally misrepresented, I’d love to hear about it.

The most important disclaimer, though, is this: My timing couldn’t be any worse. In real life, free agency has happened, and so has the rookie draft. That means team needs are vastly different than they were before the draft. It also means guys like Dannell Ellerbe can be protected under the rules of my draft.

For the purposes of this writing, pretend this happened between free agency’s kickoff and the draft. Maybe I’ll do this again next year, with better timing.

All the above said, the Kansas City Chiefs are on the clock.

Your No. 1 Pick?

1.     Kansas City Chiefs – Kevin Williams, DT, Minnesota Vikings

The Chiefs fill a need and immediately depress millions of fans who expected huge names to move in this draft. Sure, there are some big names out there – Gronk, Devin Hester, etc. – but the Andy Reid knows that getting a contributor and a player who can play role model to their protected players (Dontari Poe, for one) is the ultimate goal.

This pick also comes as bad news to teams who had an eye on Brian Robison or Everson Griffen, probably the two most intriguing unprotected Vikings. Adrian Peterson, Greg Jennings and even Christian Ponder were all wayyyyy off the board.

Also considered: Brett Keisel, Brandon Spikes, Mychal Kendricks, Cullen Jenkins

2.    Jacksonville Jaguars – Bruce Irvin, OLB/DE, Seattle Seahawks

New coach Gus Bradley brings one of his Seahawks guys with him to football hell. Teams like Jacksonville are going to be looking for a combination of potential and proven results in this type of draft. Bradley’s seen what Irvin can do, so he knows he can fill the drastically-needed pass-rusher role in Jacksonville.

The Jags could have gone in a few other directions here, including quarterback, but wisely decide to try and find a franchise pass-thrower in the rookie draft. One lesson teams will learn quickly in this event – quarterbacks worth drafting will be few and far between.

Bad news for other teams looking to pluck a Seahawk. Other players who weren’t protected by Pete Carroll include Kam Chancellor, Chris Clemons, Golden Tate and Antoine Winfield.

Also considered: Nick Foles, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Shea McClellin, Jason Worilds, Ahmad Brooks

3.    Oakland Raiders – Ahtyba Rubin, DL, Cleveland Browns

If you haven’t learned by now, you’re probably starting to get it – there are few superstars in this draft. Bad teams will find the best player available who fits a need.

This draft also doesn’t guarantee the best teams will lose players first. The Browns are far from the NFL’s best team, and yet they lose a player third.

Oakland’s defensive line is terrible. Rubin is fairly young and has showed flashes. He could also potentially work in multiple schemes, meaning the Raiders’ inevitable next coach could still find him useful.

The Browns, meanwhile, avoid losing Josh Gordon and Phil Taylor, their two unprotected most likely to draw interest from around the league.

Also considered: Glenn Dorsey, Ryan Pickett, Chris Canty, Terrence Cody, Jonathan Babineaux

4.    Philadelphia Eagles – Jimmy Smith, CB, Baltimore Ravens

It takes four picks for the Super Bowl champions to lose a player. The Eagles take a step closer to erasing memory of the “Dream Team” abomination of a corner trio that was DRC, Asante Samuel and Nnamdi Asomugha and add a promising player. The team considered a number of good corners and nearly bit on Dunta Robinson, but his release from Atlanta was too much a red flag. Also worth noting fellow former Raven Cary Williams is now in Philadelphia.

The Ravens rolled the dice and protected the rehabbing Lardarius Webb rather than the troubled Smith, and lose a good young player. The good news in Baltimore is that other unprotected players like Terrence Cody, Michael Huff and Michael Oher stay on board.

Also considered: Jason McCourty, Donte Whitner, Aqib Talib, Dunta Robinson

5.    Detroit Lions – Justin Houston, OLB/DE, Kansas City Chiefs

Adios, Kansas City. 

The Lions again prove that the best teams won’t necessarily lose their players first. Kansas City, after all, had the worst record in the league.

Detroit moves to add a talented young pass rusher coming off a double-digit sack season. As teams later in the draft will figure out, Houston is basically the only player available on the night who can pressure the quarterback and isn’t nearing or past 30. (If you don’t believe me, check out the also-considered line below.)

Kansas City had a few difficult decisions to make during protection phase, and ultimately left playmakers like Tony Moeaki, Javier Arenas and Dexter McCluster open in favor of keeping more stable players like Derrick Johnson and Alex Smith. Everyone but Houston returns.

Also considered: Osi Umenyiora, Mark Anderson, Mathias Kiwanuka

6.    Cleveland Browns – Aqib Talib, CB, New England Patriots

The Browns lost Rubin early in the draft, but decide their remaining defensive tackles are good enough to justify swiping the troubled but talented Talib from New England. The Mangino-era Jayhawk joins Joe Haden to form a potentially stable corner duo for the Browns’ long run.

The Patriots, meanwhile, breathe a sigh of relief: there are at least a few teams who would’ve seriously considered snatching guys like Sebastian Vollmer, Brandon Spikes and Rob Gronkowski, whose foolishness and inability to heal ultimately made him New England’s last man untagged.

Also considered: Dunta Robinson, Jason McCourty, Kyle Arrington, Sam Shields

7.    Arizona Cardinals – Anthony Davis, OT, San Francisco 49ers

The Cardinals have needed offensive line help since sometime in the early 1980s. Anthony Davis is young, has potential and plays for a division rival. How is this not a win for Arizona?

The 49ers had a few big names open for transfer, including newly-added Anquan Boldin and Nnamdi Asomugha and established assets like Ahmad Brooks, Donte Whitner, Andy Lee and Justin Smith. It’s really hard to say who they’d prefer to see go from that group, but it’s probably not Davis.

Also considered: Donald Penn, Doug Free, Cordy Glenn

8.       Buffalo Bills – Miles Austin, WR, Dallas Cowboys

"Maybe Tony wasn't so bad."

Buffalo needs a quarterback better than Tarvaris Jackson. Nobody is dumb enough to leave such a player unprotected. Doug Marrone takes a look at guys like Mark Sanchez and Chad Henne, but wouldn’t the Bills just be better off not starting anyone at quarterback?

Ultimately, Austin is the pickup. He’s by far the best receiver left open (Dallas chose to block Dez Bryant instead) and you’ve got to think having his experience around will be an asset to whichever quarterback they end up taking in the draft (remember: in this reality, they haven’t drafted EJ Manuel yet).

The Cowboys didn’t put much value on the market, but end up keeping guys like Anthony Spencer, Doug Free, Ryan Cook and Orlando Scandrick.

Also considered: Jason Worilds, Mychal Kendricks, Anthony Spencer, Devin Hester, Alshon Jeffery, Cecil Shorts

9.    New York Jets – Mike Williams, WR, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

Williams really isn’t that sexy of a pickup, so this pick likely gets booed by the Jersey guys who flocked to Radio City Music Hall. 

The honest truth, though, is Williams is a steady option who can catch the ball, and he’s a New York guy who’s 25 and had nine quiet touchdowns last year behind Vincent Jackson. With the lack of options the Jets have for eventual franchise savior David Garrard, you’d think adding a steady pair of hands alongside guys like Jeremy Kerley and Santonio Holmes won’t hurt.

Greg Schiano coached all his unprotected players to intentionally fail their physicals, so guys like Donald Penn, Davin Joseph and Ahmad Black go unpicked and will return to Tampa. Somewhere off the Carolina coast, Connor Barth goes surfing.

Also considered: Devin Hester, Alshon Jeffery, Mohamed Sanu, Cecil Shorts, Emmanuel Sanders, Manny Lawson

10.    Tennessee Titans – Louis Vasquez, G, Denver Broncos

Tennessee’s interior line sucks. Mike Munchak is an offensive line guy. In both real life and fantasy, he takes steps to address the problem as quickly as possible.

Vasquez is a productive long-term starter, if a bit aged. He spent a solid chunk of time blocking for LaDanian Tomlinson, so Chris Johnson is a small adjustment. Meanwhile, Jake Locker gets more time to throw interceptions!

The Broncos left quite a bit of talent unblocked, so losing Vasquez isn’t all that bad. Guys like Champ Bailey, Eric Decker, Orlando Franklin and Knowshon Moreno likely would have gotten a look, but instead return to Denver. Also unprotected: Rahim Moore, burn victim.

Also considered: Chris Chester, Evan Mathis, David Diehl, Garrett Reynolds

11.     San Diego Chargers – Sam Shields, CB, Green Bay Packers

The Chargers, in desperate need of defensive backs, choose to draft the league leader in “looking like you were interfered with by the receiver.” Sam Shields brings blazing speed to San Diego at a relatively cheap price. The Bolts also considered shoring up their offensive line, but a plethora of blockers in the upcoming draft leads them instead to draft defense.

The Packers are the 11^th team to lose a player, meaning they’re clearly overrated and terrible. Awful, just awful, football players and even worse people like A.J. Hawk, Morgan Burnett, Jermichael Finley and DuJuan Harris (who?) will again don the gold and green, though I’m not sure why.

Also considered: T.J. Lang, Cordy Glenn, Terrell Thomas, Darius Butler, Casey Hayward, Terence Newman

12.    Miami Dolphins – Gosder Cherilus, OT, Indianapolis Colts

I hate Gosder Cherilus. Dude nearly tore Jared Allen’s ACL yards behind a play once. But he was clearly an overrated free agent in real life’s offseason, so you’ve got to think the guys who went on to become among the biggest spenders would go after him. Miami also looked at some corners here, but the names left aren’t worth much.

Indianapolis loses one of its newest free agents – did I mention how bad my timing was when I did this? – but keeps better assets like Delone Carter, Robert Mathis and Dwayne Allen, a.k.a. Colby Fleener’s backup.

Also considered: Jason McCourty, Jeromey Clary, Terrell Thomas, Corey Webster

13.    Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jermaine Gresham, TE, Cincinnati Bengals

Tampa Bay already needed a big pass-catcher to stabilize kinda-terrible-kinda-great Josh Freeman. Then they lost Mike Williams. Jermaine Gresham represents a chance to get Vincent Jackson some red zone help, even if he’s not the sexiest tight end in the league. He ends up getting the call over about a million other tight ends and defensive lineman considered by Tampa Bay.

Gresham getting picked probably isn’t the worst-case scenario for the Bengals, who also had guys like Domata Peko, Mohamed Sanu and Bernard Scott on the board, but don’t be surprised to see Cincy go after a pass catcher later this round or in the rookie draft.

Also considered: Fred Davis, Jared Cook, Heath Miller, Ziggy Hood, Linval Joseph, Brodrick Bunkley, Paul Soliai, Dustin Keller, Jason Jones, Owen Daniels, Martellus Bennett, Greg Olsen, Scott Chandler, Tony Gonzalez

14.     Carolina Panthers – Cary Williams, CB, Philadelphia Eagles

Madden '13 says Ty Law is available.

This reality didn’t work out well for the Ravens, did it? They let Williams walk, likely because of the corners they had left. Then Jimmy Smith got drafted. Left is LarDarius Webb, who missed most of the season with an injury. Oh yeah, and Chykie Brown.

The Panthers, meanwhile, get a pretty solid corner. Hard to pass that up, especially considering who else was left at the position.

And the third team involved in this pick, Philadelphia, hangs on to Mychal Kendricks, Isaac Sopoaga and Jason Peters’s corpse.

Also considered: Jason McCourty, Jeromey Clary, Terrell Thomas, Corey Webster, Ryan Harris

15.     New Orleans Saints – Paul Soliai, DT, Miami Dolphins

Rob Ryan plans to switch New Orleans to a 3-4 scheme. Soliai is a good runstopper in that formation, albeit a bit old. Seems like a pretty decent fit.

Miami left basically all Ryan Tannehill’s weapons unprotected for the draft, so it’s a pretty big relief for Joe Philbin that guys like (now-rich!) Brian Hartline, Charles Clay and Dustin Keller will come back.

Also considered: Linval Joseph, Jason Jones, Barry Cofield

16.     St. Louis Rams – Troy Polamalu, S, Pittsburgh Steelers

The question of whether or not to protect Troy Polamalu is one of the great dilemmas brought on by this draft.

Why you wouldn’t protect him: He’s old. He gets hurt.

Why you would: He’s a huge symbol to the team. He plays well when he’s not hurt. The hair!

But Pittsburgh ultimately decides to leave him open and cross its fingers, and fellow Trojan Jeff Fisher pounces to simultaneously fill a need and find a great leader for a young Ram defense. The age doesn’t really matter, either, as we’re nearing the end of the draft where good teams will pick to win now. Polamalu fits that mission.

Losing Troy sucks, but Pittsburgh returns other old-but-unprotected guys like Ryan Clark, Brett Keisel and Heath Miller. They also left Jonathan Dwyer and Emmanuel Sanders unprotected.

Also considered: Reed Doughty, Antrel Rolle, Roman Harper, Danieal Manning, Ed Reed

17.    Pittsburgh Steelers – Thomas DeCoud, S, Atlanta Falcons

Thomas DeCoud: Steeler through and through.

Lose a safety, draft a new one. Pittsburgh loses a franchise face one pick (!) before its own, but then replaces Troy with a solid player in Thomas DeCoud.

If DeCoud isn’t a hit in Pittsburgh, he’s at least still got the time he said, “Meow” on SportsCenter.

Atlanta continues a trend of top teams staying on the board until late. But looking at the names outside of DeCoud who were available, it’s no surprise Mike Peterson, Tony Gonzalez and Jonathan Babineaux weren’t targeted earlier.

Also considered: Reed Doughty, Antrel Rolle, Roman Harper, Danieal Manning, Ed Reed

18.    Dallas Cowboys – David Diehl, G, New York Giants

Another pick made as much out of need as spite. Jerry Jones tries to grin smugly, but a recent botox injection prevents that from happening.

The Giants are yet another good team to not lose a player until the second half of the draft. With Diehl’s pick, they lock up Antrel Rolle, Corey Webster and Mathias Kiwanuka for at least another year.

Also considered: Daryn Colledge, Cordy Glenn, Amini Silatolu, Harvey Dahl, Chris Chester

19.     New York Giants – Will Smith, DE, New Orleans Saints

Another “win-now” pick, Will Smith slides into a position where he can play along more d-line talent than in New Orleans, potentially freeing him up for a few more sacks.

The Giants flirted strongly with Devin Hester, but Tom Coughlin ultimately pulled the plug because he seemed too interested in “that hip-hop music.”

New Orleans didn’t offer much to the market, but returns Mark Ingram, Patrick Robinson and Roman Harper, among others.

Also considered: Harvey Dahl, Devin Hester

20.    Chicago Bears – Harvey Dahl, G, St. Louis Rams

This belongs in Chicago.

Chicago showed in real-life’s rookie draft how badly they want offensive line help. They also want linebackers, but there’s not much left this late in the draft.

Dahl is a bruiser, and a guy with a nasty reputation. Seems like the kind of thing Bears fans would embrace.

The Rams, meanwhile, return Jared Cook, Isaiah Pead and both their superstar kickers.

Also considered: Moise Fokou, Jeromey Clary, David Harris, Tim Dobbins, Jasper Brinkley

21.     Cincinnati Bengals – Ed Reed, S, Houston Texans

The Bengals think they can win now. They lost a pass-catcher earlier, but go defense here. I don’t recall bad blood between Ed Reed and the world champions after the season, but can you imagine both Reed and Harrison on the Cincy defense? Weird.

Houston is yet another good team who used its 10 protections well. Owen Daniels, Antonio Smith and Danieal Manning all come back. They also left Ben Tate open for the taking, but most teams value other positions more than running back.

Also considered: Reed Doughty, Shonn Greene, Danieal Manning, Mikel Leshoure, DeAngelo Williams

22.     Washington Redskins – Antoine Cason, CB, Arizona Cardinals

We’ve reached the point where a lot of teams are picking up the scraps left of bad teams. Cason seems like the kind of guy Dan Snyder would take a flyer on. Former kick returner, great speed, has shown flashes at corner. With a guy like DeAngelo Hall nearing the end of his career, it could be a really shrewd move.

The Cardinals offered Cason and a set of punching dummies unprotected. The dummies are coming home, and Bruce Arians is happy.

Also considered: Jason McCourty, Dawan Landry, Tyrell Johnson, Charles Godfrey

23.      Minnesota Vikings – Roy Miller, DT, Jacksonville Jaguars

I don't...I don't think that's how it works.

You realize it took me an hour to make this pick, right?

As clearly demonstrated by the real-life draft, the Vikings feel like they’re only a few parts away from being among the best teams in the league. Do I feel that way? No comment.

They take serious looks at pass catchers and pass defenders, but with 10 teams to pluck from, the options are slim.

Roy Miller did well in Tampa Bay last year before moving to Jacksonville. He’s young and talented and could be a great guy to start alongside Kevin Willia – oh God. He’s gone? This is terrible. Um, Miller immediately becomes the Vikings’ best interior lineman.

The Jags’ roster is so bad they actually protected Blaine Gabbert. Meaning they think he’s among their ten most valuable players. All 53 Jaguars fans just died a little.

Also considered: Jason McCourty, Charles Godfrey, Brandon LaFell, Devin Hester, Ryan Broyles, Cecil Shorts III, Alshon Jeffery

24.    Indianapolis Colts – Cordy Glenn, G, Buffalo Bills.

Again: There’s not much left at this point.

The Colts lost a lineman earlier in the night, and Glenn has been bandied about as both a guard and a tackle. He’s young. Other players who fit a need aren’t very good.

Buffalo holds on to Zebrie Sanders, Manny Lawson and Scott Chandler, who once scored me about 40 fantasy points in one week. That was awesome.

Also considered: Chris Chester, Kory Lichtensteiger, Shonn Greene, Mike Brisiel, Amini Silatolu

25.      Seattle Seahawks – Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Detroit Lions

Apparently the Seahawks are supposed to be good next year. They added a couple defensive ends. Oh, and some Florida receiver, I guess. I think his name is Tebow.

Pettigrew is a surprisingly good find this late in the draft. He can help Russell Wilson right away, and finally fill the massive hole at tight end that’s persisted in Seattle since they let former Litchfield (Minn.) Dragon and Notre Dame great John Carlson move on to bigger and better things in Minneapolis.

The Lions lose a fairly key player, but keep Mikel LeShoure, Ryan Broyles and Tyrell Johnson. And if they really need pass-catching, I’m pretty sure Titus Young is available.

Also considered: Dwan Edwards, Martellus Bennett, Kedric Golston

26.    Green Bay Packers – Jason McCourty, CB, Tennessee Titans

"I'm ready to sent the 25 teams that passed on me a lesson."

One of the interesting things about this draft will be when players “slide.” McCourty falls on the radar of basically every corner-hungry team, since he’s young, has potential and is part of a set of twins, but nobody picks him until No. 26. Can you imagine?

Adam Schefter: “I’m hearing Jason McCourty’s name mentioned as a possibility at picks 10, 14, 17, 21 and 25.”

Trey Wingo: “And another team passes on Jason McCourty.”

/Cut to shot of hatless McCourty trying not to look sad.

Is that how it would go?

Tennessee had some talent on the board, including fellow corner and slide victim Alterraun Verner. Kamerion Wimbley, Shonn Greene and Akeem Ayers all also return to the Music City.

Also considered: Alterraun Verner, Kamerion Wimbley, Jarret Johnson, Rashad Jennings

27.       Houston Texans – Devin Hester, WR, Chicago Bears

OK, this would be interesting. I mean, Hester’s downfield speed along Andre Johnson would be something to watch, but how about the camp battle between Hester and Danieal Manning?!?!?!?! Which fast guy is the Texans’ new kick returner? I’m salivating.

The Bears are a good team, but used their picks incredibly well. Hester, Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett and Shea McClellin were basically the only guys getting looks. Houston considered both Bennett and Jeffery.

Also considered: Brandon LaFell, Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett

28.    Denver Broncos – Jeremy Kerley, WR, New York Jets

Kerley looked pretty good at times with Mark Sanchez and Greg McElroy throwing him the ball. Can you imagine what influence Peyton Manning could have? You have to at least mention the name Pierre Garcon.

The Jets, on the other hand, shock the world by having a player selected any pick other than last. Franchise cornerstones David Harris, Santonio Holmes and Calvin Pace return to East Rutherford.

Also considered: Fred Davis, Jarret Johnson, Danny Woodhead, DeAngelo Williams

29.      New England Patriots – D.J. Moore, CB, Carolina Panthers

There were four teams to choose from. I really didn’t know what to do. I have a feeling Bill Belichick would feel the same way.

Carolina holds on to unprotecteds like DeAngelo Williams, Greg Olsen and Greg Hardy.

Also considred: Derek Cox, Brandon LaFell, Charles Godfrey 

30.   Atlanta Falcons – Brandon Meriweather, S, Washington Redskins

Can you imagine trying to choose from the 44 worst players on Washington, San Diego and Oakland’s rosters? Atlanta’s only choice is to find the best player they can, who also happens to replace Thomas DeCoud, who earlier got plucked by the Steelers.

Washington…how did they make the playoffs? I can’t see many of the other guys open for picking being considered. Kedric Golston, maybe? Chris Chester? Fred Davis?

Also considered: Kedric Golston, Jarret Johnson

31.       San Francisco 49ers – Jeromey Clary, T, San Diego Chargers

Jim Harbaugh fills the tackle hole left by Anthony Davis’s departure. Clary is 29, but he’s pretty durable, having started 78 games the last six seasons. He also ends up being probably the best player available, unless you think Jarret Johnson would be better (which he might be, for a year).

Also worth noting this means Baltimore is FORCED to take an Oakland player. Which is hilarious, because Rolando McClain already happened to them.

Also considered: Jarret Johnson, Andre Carter

32.     Baltimore Ravens -- Mike Brisiel, G, Oakland Raiders

The least bad Raider you could ask for.

A veteran lineman with center experience isn’t a bad pick, all things considered. And if you’ve got to play Raider Russian Roulette, Brisiel is a pretty good bullet to take.

The only other real options on the Raiders’ dirt-cheap roster were Andre Carter, Rashad Jennings and Taiwan Jones. Unless, of course, the Ravens decided they needed Sebastian Janikowski.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, there you have it. The offseason veteran draft.

Teams balance need against available talent, and potential against current ability. And just because you had the best season doesn’t mean you’ll lose a player early.

I promise next year I’ll do this between the Super Bowl and free agency. And maybe I’ll do a better job.

But in the meantime, if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.

Maybe this isn’t the kind of thing that could ever happen, but it was damn fun to pretend.